Beep boop. Still alive.

I’m not doing so hot though. I’ve been out of the city for three days, away from my normal environment, and it’s starting to really get to me. Last night I was tormented by visions of all the people I’ve “abandoned.”

I put “abandoned” in quotes because really, I’ve just had a slightly messier version of what every human being experiences. I get into relationships, they end badly sometimes, the end. I’m not on speaking terms with some of my exes. Welcome to life.

Alright, personal vent time. This one is going to be a little less edited (at least, I hope it will be).

I don’t know who the fuck I am. I don’t know what I stand for, what my beliefs are, what my values are, what I want. Instead, I have my internal panopticon. I experience my life as watching a performance of myself. Not as an out of body experience (although I have had those); but in the sense that when imagining myself doing something, I picture it in the third person. I experience myself as “the kind of person who would do X”, rather than “a person who does X”. I am the sum of what people around me want me to be, whether they’re real or imaginary, accurate or fabricated. My life is almost entirely performance.