Beep boop. Still alive.

I’m not doing so hot though. I’ve been out of the city for three days, away from my normal environment, and it’s starting to really get to me. Last night I was tormented by visions of all the people I’ve “abandoned.”

I put “abandoned” in quotes because really, I’ve just had a slightly messier version of what every human being experiences. I get into relationships, they end badly sometimes, the end. I’m not on speaking terms with some of my exes. Welcome to life.

And yet, I feel like the inverse of the people who say everyone eventually leaves them. Instead, I feel eventually, I leave everyone. I’ve recently spent some time not talking to a couple people I’ve been close to for years, as a way of getting space and figuring myself out. I don’t know how to tell them I think I want things to stay that way. It feels rude to tell them over text, and anyway, I have some keys to return.

Imagine Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, but only remembering all the bad things I’ve done for them, and the good things they’ve done for me. I’m making this choice because not having them in my life is making me feel better, so clearly there were things they were doing that were making me feel bad in some way. But I only see the unfairness of me leaving them (even though in this specific case, they originally left me).

I don’t know how to reframe this. I don’t know why every problem is my fault, and every joy is their doing. I do my best to be a good person. I try far too hard to be a good person, including staying in relationships that are making me miserable for no good reason. I’m certainly not the only person who falls to the just world fallacy, but it’s really wild that it takes the form of “if something bad happens it’s my fault, full stop.” I’ve done some OCD treatment but it’s very, very hard to treat this because… what can I do to disprove it? What does exposure and response prevention look like for “the world is bad and it’s my fault”?

I want to make it clear: none of the other people in this story are bad people. They’re not. I’m a sensitive person and sometimes, people just don’t fit well together. I put the blame on myself (of course) for not doing something about it sooner.

I’m tired of feeling like a drain on the world and all the people around me. I’m tired of constantly needing reassurances, and that need souring my relationships.

I’m tired of crying.