Alright, personal vent time. This one is going to be a little less edited (at least, I hope it will be).

I don’t know who the fuck I am. I don’t know what I stand for, what my beliefs are, what my values are, what I want. Instead, I have my internal panopticon. I experience my life as watching a performance of myself. Not as an out of body experience (although I have had those); but in the sense that when imagining myself doing something, I picture it in the third person. I experience myself as “the kind of person who would do X”, rather than “a person who does X”. I am the sum of what people around me want me to be, whether they’re real or imaginary, accurate or fabricated. My life is almost entirely performance.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m not a person, not ensouled. I have my superego, my conscience, synthesizing the best course of action to make everyone not mad at me; I have my id, my impulses, directing me in a dozen directions at once; and I have my body, reacting to both. I don’t feel that I have a cohesive identity that I can understand myself with. My self is entirely defined by the external world, except there’s no definition; it just is a hole where that should be.

I care about what I leave behind, about people knowing about me, sharing my story. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the drive that all people have towards their legacy. I picture myself being celebrated for so many things. At a concert with thousands of people, with my music making their night. People adoring me for the food that I’ve just cooked. Some third example I can’t think of right now.

I have had these grandiose ideas, big and small, about being celebrated as long as I can remember. I used to think that made me a bad person, someone who just craves attention and will do anything to get it. Maybe that last part is somewhat true. Can you tell I was a gifted kid? I was told I was smart by teachers all the time, I was rewarded by the system, and I took that and made it my view of the world. That’s not to say I felt entitled to that praise. I had always earned it because of how I was genuinely exceptional (or rather, precocious, asynchronous, in the wrong order). The fact I’m not getting that praise means that there’s something wrong with me.

Boo hoo, gifted kid is sad that she’s feeling burnt out. Materially speaking, I’ve been rewarded by the system, more than most people ever are. I succeeded in the meritocratic marketplace.

This isn’t how any of it should work.

I do my best to be a good person. I don’t know what I want. I’m so tired of being lost, of being terrified, of constantly seeking the never-ending praise that on some level I believe to be love. I want to define myself internally, through affirmation, not negation. I know that I have wants, values, and abilities, and a core that actually counts as a human being.

I just can’t see it.